Our Presence is a Present

I used to dread the holidays. When I was in active addiction I would always worry about how I was going to pay for the presents I was going to give. I also resented the money I would spend on them instead of the alcohol I wanted to drink. The season was never filled with eager anticipation of beautiful memories made, instead it was fueled by anxiety and aggravation. That’s how I felt every year for seventeen years. 

Once I got sober, all of that changed. I remember my first Christmas in recovery like it was yesterday because I was in rehab at the time. I can recall it with breathtaking clarity because I was fully present to experience it. My mind was clear instead of cloudy, my heart hopeful rather than hateful, and my soul felt peace instead of panic. 

I had no money to buy gifts for my family, and I wasn’t even able to celebrate the holiday with them in person, but none of that mattered. The only thing that mattered was that I was emotionally present for the first time in a very long time. 

When I called my parents to wish them a Merry Christmas, I heard the rest of my family in the background asking to get on the phone with me, and my heart felt like it was hit by a tidal wave of love. I cried profusely, but they weren’t tears of anguish, they were tears of overwhelming joy. I told them that I missed them all very much, and was ecstatic to find out that the feeling was mutual. 

However, it wasn’t my physical presence they missed, it was my emotional availability. My family had spent plenty of holidays with me over the years while I was drinking, but I was never truly there with them. My mind was always focused on the drink I wanted, but couldn’t have. 

I recently celebrated seven years in recovery, and to this day, I know the best present I can give my family is my presence at its purest. My sobriety allows me to show up for them and myself in a completely different way. Not just during the holidays, but every day. 

I hope you have fun celebrating your recovery and the holidays with your fellowship family! Meeting Makers make it!

If you are interested in learning more about my journey of recovery, feel free to check out my book, From Broken to Butterfly. It is available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

Wishing you all the best, 

Nina Pajonas